“No. Come on, please, no. I can’t. Not today.” My chest is heavy. My head hurts. As I groggily turn off my alarm, I ask myself, “Why am I still alive?” It’s not uncommon for me to have these thoughts — I’ve lived with daily suicidal thoughts for years.
But, suicidal thoughts as soon as I wake up are rather rare for me. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly thrilled to open my eyes every morning — it’s not like I’m waking up excited to face another day — but, I don’t wake up actively wanting to die often.
My brain typically lets me drink a cup of coffee, wake up a little, get a bit of work done and then the suicidal thoughts get loud.
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