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My Deepest, Darkest Secret: Why I Never Felt Good Enough

“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.” ~Brené Brown

Lunge, turn, reverse, jump, land and rebound, push, pull, cut, run, double turn, fling, pause…

Not good enough! Smooth the transitions, make it cleaner, find more ease!

Heart pounds, ragged breath, muscles burn…

You need more weight on the lunge and point your damn feet when you jump. Do it again.

Repeat. Lunge, turn, reverse, jump, land and rebound, push, pull, cut, run, double turn, fling, pause…

What is your problem? Why is it so sloppy? Clean it up! Do it again.

Not good enough, do it again carved a deep groove into my brain, branding it like a wild bull by a hot iron. Not good enough. My mind, not my teacher, was brutalizing me, taunting me, teaching me “discipline” to improve my dancing.

I improved—enough to become a professional dancer—but I couldn’t internalize or recognize any of my accomplishments. 

Even after being asked to join a dance company before I graduated college, I continued to struggle with “not being good enough.” Despite the many compliments I received for my performance and choreography, I brushed them away thinking that they were lying to me, just placating me with false praise.

I faltered in my performance, felt paralyzed by fear that would not always fade away once the performance began, distrusted my ability to remember the choreography, always of being in front of an audience, and cried oceans of tears because I could never reach the bar I had set for myself. My confidence and faith in my ability to perform to the level that I wanted to plummeted.

I loved dancing so much. I loved moving my body through space, the creative process, and working with a group of talented dancers to create

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